A Brave Start Read online

  She got home around 5 o’clock and remembered that her mother was going to be late coming home because of a department meeting. Eleanor took her things up to her office. She and her mom shared a three bedroom, two story condo style house. It had a den/office on the first floor that her mom used and Eleanor took over two of the upstairs bedrooms as a bedroom and office with a sitting area by the window, they were separated by a “Jack and Jill” bathroom, so it made it feel like a little apartment. She loved living with her mom, but it was still nice to have her own space to work and relax. After setting things down at her desk and double checking her schedule for tomorrow in her planner, she went through the bathroom to her bedroom and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt.

  Going back down the stairs she went to the kitchen to empty the dishwasher and put a frozen pizza in the oven for herself and her mother. Cassie arrived home from work just as the pizza came out of the oven and the two of them chatted about their days before Eleanor went up to her room and Cassie went into the living room to watch some TV. Normally Eleanor would be happy to sit and watch with her mom but tonight she felt unusually tired and decided to go to bed early. She had to go to the bookstore early the next morning to open and it had been a long enough day already.

  As she climbed into bed she checked her phone one more time and noticed there still weren’t any texts or calls from Michael. She’d texted him earlier to say hello but knew better than to text again. Michael worked for one of the financial companies in town and was always busy. He didn’t like getting several texts throughout the day. She knew she’d see him on Friday for dinner and was already counting down the days.

  * * * * *

  The rest of the week went by quickly, though Eleanor was still feeling tired. She was beginning to suspect it was more boredom that she was feeling than actual fatigue. Her mother had begun asking her again if she would think about going back to school and earning a PhD or an MFA. Cassie thought Eleanor would have a better chance of finding a full-time job with a terminal degree and was worried that Eleanor was wasting crucial years of her life.

  Eleanor was nervous about going back to school. There was always Arizona State University, which was local but she wasn’t sure she wanted to go to such a large school or if she wanted to go to back to school at all. It wasn’t an easy choice. There had always been a lot of expectations. Both her parents were academics. Her mother was director of the English Department at a different community college in the Maricopa County Community College District, and also did some consulting work on the side. Her father was a prominent Literature scholar and professor at an Ivy League University on the east coast. Her parents had always expected her to pursue an advanced degree so getting her MA had been an easy decision. But she had hoped she’d be able to find a full-time job at the community college level and focus on teaching and maybe do some writing on the side. But the recent economy downturn had hit higher education hard and Plan A wasn’t working out so well. She knew that her mom was probably right. Anytime she tried to discuss with Michael, he would convince her it was a ridiculous idea and complained about how busy she’d be and how they’d never get to see each other. Eleanor thought he was being a little dramatic, but after their breakup and reconciliation a year ago she didn’t want to do anything to risk their relationship. Right now, Michael wasn’t perfect but he was the best thing in her life.

  Turning her car into the parking lot of the restaurant she was determined to put thoughts of school aside and just focus on her time with Michael tonight. She had been excited when he’d suggested the little Italian place between their two neighborhoods as the place to meet. They’d had their first date there, more than two years ago. Eleanor had just graduated with her Masters and moved back to Phoenix. All of her high school friends had moved out of town or just out of her life and she was starting over in the social scene. She hadn’t wanted to try online dating so she joined an online social group instead and met Michael through a local literature group created on the site. Though Eleanor had focused on Rhetoric and Composition in school she knew she couldn’t date a guy who didn’t love to read and couldn’t share a love of literature.

  She had noticed Michael the moment she walked into the first group meeting she attended. He’d been standing to the side, talking to some other group members, everyone seemed drawn to him and he was smiling and chatting enthusiastically with the members. He wasn’t very tall, but was taller than Eleanor and a lot of the other women in the group. Eleanor remembered how his sandy blond hair caught the light from the setting sun streaming through the coffee shop window, and how she admired his easygoing nature and friendly smile. There was just a quality about him that made everyone seem to like him. All the guys in the group wanted to be friends with him and all the women in the group wanted to sit next to him. They seemed opposites in some ways, he was outgoing and loved the attention from the rest of the group, easily dominating the conversations at times, whereas Eleanor was shy and reserved, quietly observing the conversations and only speaking when she felt strongly about the opinions being shared. Michael got on easily with the guys and flirted with all the women, while Eleanor made friends with a couple of the women and never really got to know any of the guys.

  She’d given up on finding a romantic relationship within the group but was happy with the social interaction and friendships that were developing. But after several meetings, and after watching him chat up most of the other women, Michael approached her after the group discussion had ended. They’d been reading Anna Karenina in the group and the discussion had gotten heated. Eleanor found herself speaking up more than usual, and there had been a bit of back and forth between her and Michael during the discussion. At the end of the meeting, and after a continued debate over whether Anna had deserved her fate—Eleanor said Anna didn’t, Michael disagreed—Michael had asked her out. The family-owned Italian restaurant was equal driving distance for both of them and a time was arranged.

  Now, a little over two years later, they still came here fairly often, though as Eleanor thought about it, the last time they came was three months ago for their anniversary. Eleanor had thought then that he might propose, it had been several months since they’d gotten back together, the timing seemed right. Instead she got a new case for her iPad. Frowning at the memory and then feeling guilty about her lack of gratitude, Eleanor quickly parked her car and headed inside. Michael was already there, waiting at their usual table. He was preoccupied with his beat-up Galaxy Note. Eleanor hated that thing, he was always on it. She leaned down to give him a kiss before taking her seat and he distractedly tilted his cheek up to meet her lips. Disappointed and a little hurt Eleanor put on a brave smile and sat down.

  “Still busy with work?” she asked curiously.

  “It never ends,” Michael replied, finally putting the device back in his pocket. Seeming to see her for the first time he turned and smiled. Eleanor felt a warm happiness spread throughout her body. It had been a long week and that smile was exactly what she needed.

  They proceeded to order their meals and then ordered tiramisu and cappuccinos for dessert. Throughout the meal Eleanor felt increasingly uneasy, there something hesitant and unnatural about how Michael was reacting to her. The conversation seemed a little forced and he was becoming increasingly distant and sparse in his answers. If she asked him something personal, like how he was doing, his answers were short. If she asked him about work, he’d go on and on about his latest project. He didn’t ask about Eleanor’s week, and when she tried to fill the conversation by offering up details and stories of her week, she could see his attention wander. They often had conversations like this, communication had never been a strong point for Michael. She normally basked in his stories and brushed off her feeling that she didn’t get a chance to talk much about her day or activities. She accepted their differences in communication styles, that was all it really was, she had convinced herself. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear what or how she was doing. Tonight
though, she could tell something was bothering him. At first she assumed it was something to do with work, the difficulties with the project he mentioned earlier. But as the conversation awkwardly halted, Eleanor finally couldn’t help herself.

  “Is everything alright? You seem really distracted tonight Michael.”

  He took a deep breath, staring blankly at his hands wrapped around the cup in front of him. As soon as he looked up and into her eyes Eleanor knew exactly what was bothering him.

  Her.

  She felt her heart pounding, her mind raced, time slowed down.

  She could hear him speaking, and see his lips moving. She could see the attempt at sympathy and remorse in his eyes. She’d seen it all before. On a night like this, about a year ago. Finally, she saw him take another deep breath and feeling like the world was rushing at her at a million miles per minute she was able to process the last few words of his little speech. Four words to be exact.

  “This isn’t working out,” he said firmly.

  Each one was a dagger to her heart that twisted and drove its way deeper and deeper. When they’d separated a year ago it had devastated her, but he’d seemed so much more confused about it then. Looking at him now she knew this was real. This was final. This is what the end really looked like. Tears sprang to her eyes and before she could stop them one rolled quickly down her cheek and fell into her drink.

  Suddenly time sped up and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. Nothing made sense. All the “I love you’s” on the phone recently, the cute text messages, silly pictures posted to her Facebook wall, none of it made sense. He’d clearly been thinking about this for a while, the parts of his breakup speech that her brain was slowly beginning to process made that clear.

  “I’m not happy.”

  “We’re going in different directions.”

  “We want different things.”

  “I feel like something is missing from my life.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  His words were hitting her like bullets. Those last two especially, hitting her over and over again.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Suddenly Eleanor wanted to scream. She knew Michael hated scenes, he disliked any sign of emotion or frustration. She wanted to start throwing things, screaming at him, she wanted to tell the whole restaurant what a pathetic, little man he was and how he had wasted more than two years of her life! How she should have never believed him and taken him back after he broke her heart the first time! Her breath came in jagged bursts and the tears were rolling freely down her cheeks, dropping onto the pristine white tablecloth.

  Michael reached over to take her hand, which was still clenched around her cappuccino cup. At the feel of his touch she felt like she was being burned and she snatched her hand away, finally looking up at his face, searching his eyes, her own full of questions. But his eyes were clear and final. She knew he meant every word he was saying. He’d already made his mind up, without bothering to share his doubts with her. He’d just been going through motions while he decided. Everything leading up to this evening had been a lie.

  “I think you know I’m right,” he said softly.

  Eleanor paused, trying to find words. She wanted to devastate him as much as he was devastating her.

  Nothing came.

  She slowly reached up to wipe the tears and smooth her hair. She reached for her handbag and rose quietly from her seat.

  “Don’t you want to talk about this?” Michael asked curiously.

  Finally, with a steadying breath, Eleanor spoke, “I think you’ve said enough for the both of us Michael. We’ve spent enough time on this relationship, it hasn’t worked out, you want it to be over. I’m not going to sit here and beg you to change your mind. I did that last year. All it did was get me here, one year later, feeling pathetic and hurt. This time I’m going to listen to you. You want it to be over, so fine, we’re done. Have a nice life.”

  Turning on her heel, she slowly but confidently strode out of the restaurant all the way out to her car before the tears started to fall again.

  By the time she pulled her car into the driveway ten minutes later she was a wreck. Sobbing hysterically, she sat in her car for another thirty minutes before she shakily walked across the drive and in the front door only to be met by a dark house. She started crying even harder. At that moment, all she wanted was to talk to her mother, who she now remembered was still at school in a late night meeting with her department’s adjunct instructors.

  Eleanor made her way to the couch, kicking her heels off along the way and threw herself down, clinging to one of the throw pillows, her body wracked with sobs. She cried for at least an hour, until she couldn’t cry any more.

  Eyes swollen, body aching, heart breaking, Eleanor did the only thing she could think of to make herself feel even remotely better.

  She went over to the DVD shelf, took out her favorite movie, put it in the player, and pressed play. The credits came up on screen, quickly followed by the face of her favorite actor, Patrick Reynolds, a face so gorgeous her heart broke a little more. As the familiar film began to play, a story of love and two headstrong people in 19th century England, Eleanor allowed herself to fall into the storyline and away from her own heartbreak.

  Two hours later, just as Eleanor sat back on the couch after getting up to switch discs and put Part 2 in the Blu-Ray player, she heard her mother coming in through the door.

  “Sweetie? Are you awake?” Eleanor heard Cassie call down the hall.

  At the sound of her mother’s voice Eleanor felt the tears spring to her eyes again and as Cassie came around the corner into the family room the first thing she noticed was Eleanor on the couch, sitting in the dark, illuminated by the TV, tears streaming down her face and shoulders shaking as she began to sob.

  Cassie rushed to the couch and put her hands on both sides of Eleanor ’s face, searching her eyes for answers.

  “Ellie? Eleanor, what’s wrong? Are you hurt, are you sick?” Cassie asked anxiously, quickly determining that Eleanor didn’t look injured in any way, a quick feel of her forehead revealed she didn’t have a fever.

  Struggling to speak between bursts of sobs, Eleanor finally managed to squeak out the horrible truth.

  “Michael broke up with me . . . again. This time he means it, it’s for real Mom, it’s really over this time!”

  Eleanor saw her mother’s face rapidly move through her emotions, concern, worry, hurt, as her mother wrapped her arms around her. They stayed there like that, curled up on the couch, for two more hours, as the rest of the movie played. As it finished Eleanor’s eyes grew heavy and fluttered closed. There was nothing more she could do but sleep. At some point she vaguely remembered her mother placing a blanket over and turning out the lights.

  Chapter 2

  The weekend passed in a blur for Eleanor. She called out sick to her job at the bookstore and sequestered herself in her room, lying on her bed. Cassie would bring her water and cups of tea, along with various foods and sweet treats, trying to tempt Eleanor to eat something but it would lie half eaten. The only thing that changed each time Cassie entered Eleanor’s room was the movie playing on her TV. All weekend Eleanor alternated between films and TV shows featuring her favorite actor and celebrity crush, Patrick Reynolds along with BBC adaptations of 19th century period romantic dramas. Persuasion, Jane Eyre, North & South, and more, Eleanor was escaping into them all.

  Cassie was worried about her daughter and not more than blazingly angry with Michael. She had suspected that he was using Eleanor, and secretly hoped her daughter would figure it out. After going through her own divorce, she knew that no one could convince her that she had been wrong about the person she loved.

  Cassie sighed as she hoped that the new week would see Eleanor rally a bit. Monday morning came and just as Cassie was gathering her things to drive to work Eleanor came stumbling down the stairs, still buttoning her blou
se and fighting to keep her bag on her shoulder.

  “Darling, are you sure you want to teach this morning? You could always call out for your first class.”

  “I can’t afford for them to dock my pay, not after just having to pay for new tires for my car,” Eleanor grumbled. “I can get through my morning class, they can just keep working on their papers. But I don’t have anything planned for the afternoon, I didn’t do any of the lesson plans that I was going to prepare over the weekend. And I haven’t graded their papers from Friday!”

  Seeing Eleanor becoming distraught, Cassie walked over and placed one hand on her shoulder and the other under her chin.

  “So, your afternoon class isn’t one of your writing classes, right?” she asked purposefully.

  Eleanor nodded tiredly. “It’s Modern Drama.”

  “What are you going over right now?”

  “We finished our class plays, I was supposed to put together a lesson on contemporary theatre,” she explained, looking woeful at the thought of the abandoned lesson plan sitting on her computer.

  Walking over to the DVD shelf, Cassie quickly plucked a case from the shelf and walked back to Eleanor and handed her their copy the 25th anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall.

  “Here, show them this. Sit in the back and grade their papers while they watch.”

  Grabbing her things, Cassie cast one more look at Eleanor.

  “Make some coffee for yourself before you leave. We’ll talk tonight and I’ll help you with your lesson plans for the next week. Consider it a perk of having a Mom in the same profession!” Smiling, Cassie gave Eleanor a hug and said, “Call me if you need me sweetie,” then headed out the door.